I've always been a big fan of low budget shlock horror flicks, here are a few reviews for y'all
Surf Nazis Must Die (Troma)
A whimpering child by an ice cream van just after you've bought the last choc ice may make you feel guilty, throwing that choc ice into the middle of a dual carriageway to see if the child runs after it may make you feel evil, but it takes Kerry King on Stars In Their Eyes as Twisted Sister in a swastika daubed wetsuit to make you reach for that chuckle button. With hook handed accomplices the imaginatively monickered Adolf leads his rip curling fascist buddies against other salty haired dudes hanging ten (or whatever the vernacular is for these darned kids these days) following a great earthquake to gain control of their pollution smothered shoreline. But with these dappy loons making sweet hitlerian love inbetween maniacal slaughter it takes one woman to try and end their sieg heiling, cleptomaniacal ways. There is no god as vengeful, no law as powerful, as that of a pissed off mother so when her son is murdered by the surf nazis this septuagenarian fat momma goes ape with guns and grenades in a Troma classic. With titles like this I'm amazed more people don't stock up on films like this, post apocalyptic fascism...but with surfboards. It's seldom been more satisfying to see right wing cock straddlers bite the spiky surfboard.
Redneck Zombies (Troma)
Combining the inherent moronic state of good ol' southern boys with toxic waste is always a good footing for cheap arse schlock horror, the idea of brain dead rednecks desperate to kill should be all too familiar with anyone who followed the Bush re-election campaign. Low budget film making taken to a new low with most undead make up provided by honey and cornflakes (I kid you not) being smeared on the faces of Dimmu Borgir, it seems all the money was spent on intestinal strip mining and colon shredding gore. Baboon bollocked lard arses brewing moonshine distilled with radioactive ingredients will invariably lead to trouble for local back packers out in Shitsville so with buckshot abound, tobacco caused cavities throbbing and sarcastic nuance striding majestically over the heads of all with blood, guts and a mentallist continuity plan it is hillbilly holocaust in excelsior. The acid head autopsy was superb in concept, a little shoddy in execution (well it was shot on video) and some random hick drinking constantly who was just asking to have a molar or two sink beneath his pseudo Billy Ray mullet. With detrimental ethnic humour bizarrely low for rednecks it is everything one can ask for in a film, with the last scenes having me reach for the kleenex such was the saturation of gore. With a shitload of extras Troma know how to treat their fans, quality par excellence.
Zombie Lake (Arrow Films)
Music that sounds like a dozen clockwork monkeys let loose in a wind chime, the zombie plot line is a thin veil for softcore French porn where every five minutes a girl gets her baps out and gets licked to death by day glo green zombie nazis who live in a lake......obviously. Throw in a "family man" zombie sideline and you have all the makings of a film dodgier than Great Uncle Pitchfork's vaseline and primary school home movie. I lost the plot more than the actors did and with continuity on a par with CHIPS a film even worse than Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 is your prize. A hugely overdrawn and worthless back story middle section which was almost mute but totally befuddling this is almost cause to take up arms against the Frenchies. Even though, as an artistic nation, they are known for arty film noir or decadent symbolic surrealism, they should be now known for ultra sub moronic gore, but if you've ever wanted to see zombie nazis mincing in a lake then this should moisten your labia sufficiently but only in an "oh my god, can this get any shitter" kind of way.. Getting everyone's gun owning dad to fill in as extras was as inspired as the screenplay, complete with disbelieving police, underwater shots obviously filmed in the local swimming pool (you can see the sides for Dimebag's sake) and a volleyball team whom, after 2 minutes in the village decide to inexplicably take all their clothes off and jump in the zombie filled lake. But as whimsical no brainer this is pure trash entertainment so maybe I'm a little harsh, if it was played for laughs then it might have worked. Sacre bleu.
Bloodsucking Freaks (Troma)
Come ladies and gentleman, envelop yourselves in the theátre du macabre as our anorexic,even camper version of General Zod of a host performs his torturous routine on a variety of young ladies in this 70's LA take on the tales of the Marquis De Sade who the main fruitloop (Sardu) is undoubtedly ripped off/ inspired/ influenced/ derived from. With digits hacked off for stake money in a casual poker game, drills forced through the head, electro shock on the boobies and a cage of cannibal mutes this is disturbing in the nth degree, domination and fetishism taken to it's most extreme and carnal form. Sardu is a white slave trader who, along with his dwarf, gather the lost and hopeless from the streets and batter and torture them into submission to be sold on as meek and obedient slave girls. After becoming obsessed with one young lady Sardu falls foul of jealous lovers and crooked cops in this tale of desire and it's odious consequences. It's films like this that make Andrea Dworkin's ultra fembot a-go-go stance seem almost positively sane if this is the true nature of the world. Not only is the violence guttural it is the sheer indifference the perpetrators show to their victims during the mass amputation and degradation that is most chilling about this movie which Lloyd Kaufman had second thoughts about re-releasing it such is the stomach wrenching effect of each graphically portrayed atrocity. It's a testament to it's intensely visceral nature that 30 years after it's release a film can still be so shocking and yet utterly compelling. So, a haunting soliloquy of a phallucentric world, a woman's role in a misogynistic heritage, a cunning play on refracted society, or just a flick made by some fucked up trolls on a White Lightning binge. Most disturbing, but essential viewing.
Demagogue (Dead Cool Films)
There are cheap films and there are ultra cheap films whose budget wouldn't cover the costs of keeping the identity of Bon Jovi's hair stylist a secret from hitmen the world over. I know people who have spent more on a bicycle than the guys at Dead Cool Films did on this, fair enough it was a fucking expensive bike, but still. UK based budget horror comedy is a damn rare thing and after seeing the classic "Rhino Bitch" (which you can download for free from their website) I had to see their biggest production to date, the aforementioned "Demagogue". First hearing of them from the extra disc on the "Evil Dead" box set it was worth investigation I thought. With a superbly mentalist plot about super intelligent babies contacting aliens before the invasion of Earth, or something like that, and plugging the gaps with a fruitcake park ranger, annoying hippie types and hairy mafia guys it's a non stop bizarrefest with some very cool effects, well as cool as a Giro can stretch to. About as good as you would expect production wise, from mere pennies as a budget, but a lot of work and effort has been put into this and it shows, plus the evil chick is kind of hot in a strict disciplinarian kind of way. So this has plenty to amuse or bamboozle, only available on VHS which is a shame but buy it now, with your help they'll be able to make their next film and who knows, you'll probably be in it. (www.deadgood.co.uk)
Buttcrack (Troma)
Annoying fat specky slobs. Single. Hygienically dubious. We all know people like this and can't wait for them to take the stereo into the bathtub so we no longer have to see pimpled stench trench hanging out his jeans like he'd been shoplifting hams. But with voodoo bitches in the mix zombie fat wankers could be the bane of your existence, but this is social commentary and it didn't draw out the implications of murder and resurrection of friends and/or flatmates. But it is mutton chopped flame tongued loon Mojo Nixon who saves the film as bible sniffing, jesus stroking Preacher Man Bob who, from the pulpit to the grave, he passionately delivers his eccentricity with voluminous acuity (check out who can use a thesaurus). Not the greatest film but worth checking out if only for the Mojo, who, incidentally also contributes his music. Could try harder.
At Dawn They Sleep (Video Outlaw)
If you like indecipherable US thrash then this is a film for you as it is the constant soundtrack to a pretty mediocre vampire film made on such a low budget that you know the money used wouldn't be folded. The macho "Metallica are homos" speech was a meatheaded jerk as you could get and the last few minutes are desperately stretched out so the flick lasts for over an hour seems like a Cathedral video circa Forest Of Equilibrium. But enough bad talk, there is a fine ginger mullet proudly atop the noodle of one Brian Paulin, writer/director/star.etc. and the directors commentary portrays him as an affable chap but his co-commentator is either badly stoned or thick as monkey placenta. The car through the house scene was unintentionally hilarious and the chicks with angel wings were worth a look but it all comes across as a macho "blacker metal than thou" journey through some really good "shot in the head" sequences and piss poor "I'm a vampire, I can fly, Ta-daaaa!" moments. Random demon guy was amusing but it still seemed to be made solely to shock the popular kids at high school when they ask "Whatever happened to that Brian guy?", "I heard he made a movie, now pass the crystal meth from your 18 carat buttocked albino dwarf slave". So At Dawn They Sleep has peaks and valleys and is a tad thin on the plot side but the blood helps to make amends. Quick summary :-metallers pull girls, they turn them into vampires, the metallers fight each other for power. Not that imaginative but you should always make the film that's in your heart, or so I've been told.
bravenet.com